Turtle, the Incredible Journey.

look into the eyes!

As a no-good do-nothing sloth, I have spent many hours watching movies on Netflix. Over the course of my research I accidentally happened across Turtle: the Incredible Journey.

Turtle: the Incredible Journey is a film that contains all the thrill of Jaws, all the fantastic imagery of Life of Pi, the educational value of wiring a David Attenborough box set directly into your cerebral cortex, the tense action of The Perfect Storm, and a subtle but pleasantly noticeable form of high-brow comedy. If you have Netflix, I highly suggest you watch it.

I will go into more detail later in this article, but first, here's writer and filmmaker Douglas Ferguson to explain the intricate workings of the masterpiece that is Turtle: the Incredible Journey.

As you may have gathered, while regular, boring, movies may contain varying percentages of action, adventure, romance, comedy, tragedy, fantasy, and what have you; Turtle, the Incredible Journey has it all.

Here is a pie chart comparison of a recent popular films pathetic content versus the iconic masterwork that is Turtle:

Pales in comparison.

Words cannot speak highly enough of this film.

As you can see, Turtle: the Incredible Journey is so incredible that it somehow manages to break the very laws of mathematics.

Turtle: the Incredible Journey is a film for everyone. The young can enjoy following the turtle in her epic journey, the old can enjoy Miranda Richardson's comforting British accent soothing away the pains of their lonely existence, hipsters can enjoy the film ironically, and scholars can appreciate Turtle for its fine educational quality. Even my own mother, who walked out of Fantastic Mr. Fox within the 1st 5 minutes because it, "was offensive" could not help but enjoy Turtle: the Incredible Journey.

I hope you have been convinced of this films magnificence and will be giving it a watch shortly.

Until next time, I bid thee well, my sweet puddings!
-Teina

Offline Nothing, Day of Photography

As some of you may know, I purchased a DSLR back in 2012, several months after some idiot with more time on their hands than brains decided to steal my half-broken Olympus Stylus-300 with state-of-the-art 3.1 megapixel imaging; stylish, dented-beyond-belief casing design; and revolutionary camera-doesn't-even-turn-on-unless-you-know-the-secret-workaround functionality.

Rest in peace, little buddy.

Let me tell you, buying a DSLR and hoping I would take pictures as good as I did with the Olympus right off the bat was about as stupid as thinking that because I could drive a regular car in automatic, I could drive a stick-shift Ferrari. I'd have some moments where things worked out by magic and I got the thing going a nice pace, but more often than that, I'd probably...

crash 

and 

burn.

Mind you I did have some good shots, but most of the time when I would grasp the DSLR in my cold, tiny-Asian fingers, all common sense for photography would go out the window. As if having a DSLR meant that at any moment, my shot might vanish, and so I would have to just center the target and shoot as quickly as possible in a panicked frenzy.

Given that I am an artist and a perfectionist, this has led me to mostly letting my camera sit on the shelf. But today! Ah, glorious - Vancouver, rainy - today! Today I decided to do something about it.

So, in true dedication to the spirit of 30 days of doing nothing, I decided I would wander around a few hours in the wet downtown core with my camera to see what I might see.

The shots I took are magnificent.

Children playing in the rain.

Sun breaking through clouds.

A flower cart shines out in the gloom.

No wait, they aren't, because I didn't take any. (You can stop staring at the blank spaces now, it's not a Magic Eye).

I wandered around for over an hour and took a grand total of 0 pictures. Heck, I didn't even take my camera out of the bag. If that isn't a case of successfully doing nothing of use in a day, I don't know what is.

Until next time, when I may just be explaining to you why, "Turtle, the Incredible Adventure" is the best film of all time.

-Teina

P.S.
It's
Easter!

Day 16: Tips for Getting Back on the Proverbial Horse

I've been so busy on Google, Pinterest, and Netflix lately that I haven't been able to keep up with the rigorous schedule of posting one useless short update per day. Hopefully, if you've been following along with the spirit of the 30 day challenge this lack of posts hasn't fazed you one bit, and you haven't even noticed the passage of time. My hat goes off to you!

Still, when one falls off the horse, there is only one thing to do. Have a nice restful nap on the spot, and then get back to riding!

Do not forget to rehydrate your horse as well.

One of the ways I get back to riding is by watching the ever informative Trouble Hacking videos by Drew Cleary. As you can see, whether you have a clog in your drain, mold in your iPhone, or have lost some sweet apricots, he's got the solution.

 

Another thing I like to do to focus my energies is to read blogs about focusing my energies. I'm not sure that it does much, but boy do I ever always feel inspired! Here's an excerpt from the blog talking about focus:

"The final piece in the motivational puzzle is direction. If focus means having an ultimate goal, direction is having a day-to-day strategy to achieve it. A lack of direction kills motivation because without an obvious next action we succumb to procrastination. An example of this is a person who wants to have a popular blog, but who spends more time reading posts about blogging than actually writing articles."

I can't put my finger on it, but I'm so feeling this for some reason. It's like... they were speaking right to my soul! Uncanny.

Well, I hope that helped you get motivated and back on track with the program. That's all for today, bye bye!
-Teina

So It Continues

By now some of you may be horrified by the sheer amount of napping, cat video review, and Nutella consumption that I participate in. I know I have been. As it turns out, 30 days is an awful long and tedious amount of time to be doing nothing. So I may have slipped up here or there, dredged my sunken body out of a tangled sea of blankets, and gone to the grocery store or washed some dishes. I may have seen a parade, cooked some food, and done the laundry. I MAY have even gone for a walk and then spent a few hours writing notes for a film script.

It may or may not currently look like this.

But that's all hearsay and crazy talk! Anyone who dares besmirch my honour by accusing me of such treasonous acts is a blaggard and a gibbering buffoon! Why, I have been arranging fake doll furniture in online mockups for hours on end, reading up on the exciting topic of sugar substitutions in baking, and napping quite dutifully, thank you.

Arguably some might see the Temple of IHOP as VERY worthwhile and meaningful.

Well, it's just been suggested to me that I get some sleep, and we all know how much I need more hours of sleep. Goodnight fair (and not so fair) readers!

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the Pinterest be ever flowing,
And your high speed never fail.

-Teina

Naps Make Me Tired So I Nap

I've been so busy doing nothing lately, that I haven't had time to update the blog.
Between sleeping through almost every day, going out with the family, and watching Netflix in the spare time, I've just not had the energy to get things done around here.... I trust that your efforts are going just as well!

As an update, here's what I've been doing since the 11th:

• Day 8: Fatigued by lack of sleep, took forever to buy pet supplies. Then ate dinner with the folks. Passed out at home afterward.
• Day 9: Held a private bed-in. You know, for peace and all that.
• Day 10: Bed-in day two. Treated to fancy Valentines soup by a husband who does not know how to efficiently cut carrots, but surprisingly manages to consistently create restaurant quality dinners. Slept a lot. Also flopped around in bed like a pathetic lard, whining about anemia and such.

Today I capped the week off with a good strong nap. This 30 days of doing nothing is going fantastically well. Any more successful an attempt from me and I may not be able to get myself out of bed at all!

Life just doesn't stop getting better.

 I imagine that by the end of this - the way things are progressing, that I'll be lying in a nest of dirty clothes in the middle of the living room floor, eating cold peas out of a can with my bare hands, and sporting a full, fashionable, beard.

Until that fateful day, I bid thee well!

-Teina

Cat Video Roundup

Today found me meeting up to talk scripts for an upcoming film project, and spending my whole evening writing these crazy things (I've been behind a day, have you noticed?). I would almost say I did something, but the script meeting was entirely without progress, and these blogs... well, you know they're all just me saying, "I did nothing today" as creatively as I can manage.

Anyway, on to something a little more useless!

It's a known fact you can't have a good run of doing nothing without cat videos. If you've been following the 30 day challenge and have been finding yourself accidentally doing things today, take a break and get back on track with the fine internet gems below:

Now that you're focused, go read some Nedroid for a few hours and acquaint yourself with the absolute joy that is Space Tree. You'll be back to doing nothing effortlessly in no time!

Yours faithfully,
-Teina Smith

ALL THE BOATS

Boats. Why? 

Obviously someone with a lot of money somewhere decided the question worked a lot better as,

Congratulations on your new space ship. That will be fifty million dollars please.

Boats, why not?

Today I spent the day in a hunger and thirst induced delusion of polished white fiberglass, chrome rails, and teak decking, also known as the Vancouver International Boat Show. The show covered BC Place and a section of Granville island, so there were no shortage of identical looking cruisers to tour and remind a person they would be laughably poor forever. Also, a soda at BC Place is $4.50. Don't bother asking what the prices are for items that aren't comprised solely of water and sugar.

My dad is a boating enthusiast, so I followed him around all day listening to him hypothesize that he could buy this and that sailboat if only he sold his house and used all of his remaining savings. I also passed a startlingly high amount of people who looked like they were poster models for golf and country clubs.

We couldn't decide which cruiser to we liked more, so we bought both of them!

Was the day a success?

I'm not sure if going to the boat show really constituted as doing nothing useful, but it sure felt like it. 6 days down, 24 whole more days of nothing to go.

With warmest regards,
-Teina

Which One is a Human?

Well, I spent all day today looking at ball jointed doll pictures. I don't know why, but these things are like crack to me. Embarrassing, but now you know.

As a fun exercise, which one of the following pictures is of a human?

Think you figured it out? Are you sure? Scroll down for the results.

This is the Chinese Human Doll.

This is Valeria Lukyanova

This is Anastasiya Shpagina.

This is Venus Palermo.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Missed updating yesterday, sufficed to say I did a LOT of sleeping. So much so that I hadn't the energy left to write about it!

As some of you may know, this past February 5th was world Nutella day. Since I have been so busy over the last while sleeping and surfing Pinterest for cheesy potato recipes, the day completely passed me by without notice. But today I had some free time on my hands, so I decided to celebrate a belated Nutella day with the husband by making all the meals of the day Nutella based.

That should about last the week.

My husband is a man who will look sideways at you like a quizzical puppy if you offer him any sort of fruit or vegetable - and he would live off of chocolate if he could. I figured a day of Nutella would be right up his alley. So this morning I started off his journey to diabetes with Nutella crepes, Nutella cupcakes, and french toast (with optional Nutella spread).

By about this point I was sick of tasting Nutella. My husband seemed more upbeat, but didn't manage to finish breakfast. Still, we were both surviving. The real turn for the worse today was when I decided to make chicken pasta with Nutella cream sauce. Never make chicken pasta with Nutella cream sauce. It is wrong, your stomach knows it is wrong, and your whole body will be very vocal about it's opinion that you should never try that again.

You know it's going to be bad when the recipe's best case scenario looks like this.

I am writing from bed, sick to my stomach. There's probably a lesson to be learned here somewhere.

Tomorrow I am making Nutella cheesecake!


Sickly,
-Teina Smith

PS
If you would like to eat ALL THE NUTELLA, here are some fine recipes!

Perspective

Welcome back to day three of the 30 day challenge. I had 34 views yesterday, and none of you have so much as sneezed in my comments section. I applaud your faultless dedication to the cause! 

My life is pitiful and devoid of all meaning!

 Today's efforts saw a close call when I was met with the failure of internet connectivity at work this morning. Thankfully I was lucky enough to save myself from the cold drudgery of work by tuning in to news radio and playing game after game of FreeCell on the computer.

I'm not going to lie to you, doing nothing all the time is HARD. There have been so many times where I've wanted to cook a soup, write a letter, buy groceries, or work on personal projects. But I have to keep telling myself, "No, no. It's for the good of the cause. I HAVE to keep looking at these dog gifs."

I would write more, but doing nothing is an awful lot of work, and I'm completely tuckered out.

Best wishes,
-Teina Smith

Nicknames Will Make Me Awesome

Home sick from work today. So far my quest to do nothing has been a success! I've slept in to the glorious hour of 2pm, lazed in bed a while considering why my dreams all seem to be telling me that I'm passively missing something important in life, eaten a large and glorious brunch (which, thanks to the wonders of marriage, I did not have to lift a finger to cook), and spent the evening glutting myself on the endless resources of Failblog with a vacant stare and emotionless face.

I do say that if adequate sleep improves lifespan, big lunches can aid weight loss, and lack of facial movement can delay laugh lines, I will be in fine form in life if I can keep this up!

Still, something seems missing from the perfection of my life. What is it? Perhaps some gravy fries, or a tub with air jets? My dreams, though unintelligible, haunt me. In them I am meeting artists, having parties, and listening to live basement Jazz. In the endless forests my eyes meet those of the guardian lion; wise, understanding, and ageless. In his gaze I know all truth... and understand that all truth lives inside me. Our souls are one and the same!

Gibberish.

Like I said, none of it makes any sense.

For all of you joining in my 30 day challenge, here's a little something to inspire you and lift your spirits through this journey. I chose to sing along to the heartwarming tune of, "row row row your boat", but you may choose to blaze your own destiny on this one.

Ballad of Routine - Dorothy Gambrell

Oh, and about calling me Kermit. I'm not so sure that will actually be a good idea as I don't flail my arms around excitedly nearly as much as I used to these days. Perhaps you could call me Ziffy Spacedawg? Moonstrider? Shadow Hawk? DESTRUCTOTRON, DEVOURER OF GALAXIES?

I'll think about this a bit and get back to you. If you'd like, I'd be much interested in hearing your name ideas in the comments below.

Yours truly,
-Teina Smith

Start the New Year Off Right

This post marks day one of my Do Nothing challenge. I will attempt to do absolutely nothing of use or purpose to anybody for 30 straight days. This blog will chronicle my successes and failures, as well as act as a posting ground for my thoughts and experiences on this journey.

I came up with the idea for the challenge one night while I was sitting in my bathtub watching endless movies on Netflix to pass the time. It occurred to me that so many people were trying to be successful and active in life, meeting roadblock after roadblock in the struggle. Why bemoan the fact that you've done nothing all day but click around Youtube and eat Pizza Pops, friendless and depressed? Why not celebrate it?

(Credit: Boojamon on DeviantArt)

I propose to you, a joint venture to do nothing for 30 days. If you are the sort of person that adventures quite a bit, enjoys working hard at creative projects, or likes to host community dinners that go on long into the night, this challenge is not for you. I mean you no disrespect, but you are simply not at all cut out for the work.

However, if you continually find yourself home alone eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches simply to quell the boredom of existence, welcome aboard! Feel free to keep me updated in the comments section below. I'd love to hear what you've not been doing in the day!

As our first non-exercise we're going to grab some snacks, sit back, and watch this short video of people who are much more alive than we will ever be dancing their hearts out. Isn't it inspiring? Almost feels like you're dancing with them, doesn't it? Aw yesss.

Mo-mo-mo-momomomomomo, mo-mo-mo, momomomomo! 
Aw yeah! Might even be smiling faintly at the screen here. This is the best!

Until next time, when I will be trying to ill-advisedly convince you to nickname me Kermit.

-Teina Smith